Dean Moriarty
by IncoherentMumbling
Summary: He's annoyingly tall, his hair will NEVER compare to Jess', and he has the emotional capacities of a twelve year old. A parody of the never ending relationship between Rory and Dean.
1. Dean Moriarty

Disclaimer: All rights to Gilmore girls belong to… blah blah blah. They just don't belong to me.

**Dean Moriarty is a character from Jack Kerouac's ****On the Road****. Character description below.**

**You know… I never realized how many four-lettered names are in this show until I wrote this.**

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"Dean was born in Salt Lake City, Utah and grew up in Colorado with an alcoholic and hobo for a father for whom he searches on many occasions. Dean races from journey to journey and pulls other people along. His various fixations include drugs, women, intellectualism and finally, his father and family life. His marriages to and divorces from Camille and Mary Lou as well as his affair with Inez are a few examples of his romantic entanglements." -Wikipedia

_We watched them meet…_

DEAN: Hi.

RORY: Hi.

DEAN: I don't know you at all but I want you to know that I watch you.

RORY: You watch me?

DEAN: Yeah. I stare at you like a stalker while you read about whales. Aren't I sweet?

RORY: Yeah! Hey, why don't I get you a job at Doose's as a bagboy so that all the future guys in my life can make fun of you?

DEAN: Sure! Hey, guess what? I'm annoyingly tall!

_We watched them meet each other's families…_

DEAN: I know a lot about Willy Wonka! He's my favorite chocolateer!

LORELAI: Er… why don't you join us for our heart attack inducing pig-out?

DEAN: Sure! I'll meet you at your house once I'm done working my strangely long shift.

LORELAI: I'll tell you where I live.

DEAN: That's okay. I already know. I like to stalk Rory, remember?

LORELAI: Riiiiiight…

---

RORY: Want some cookies?

CLARA: Deeeean!

RORY: No, no! I'm not a drug peddler! I promise!

CLARA: DEEEEAAAAAN!

RORY: Bye! [_runs down the street despite the fact that we are told repeatedly that Gilmore Girls do not run_]

_We watched them fall in love…_

RORY: Can you afford all this food?

DEAN: Yeah, I never stop working, remember? Unless, of course, I'm playing tonsil hockey with you.

RORY: Okay. Want to eat any of the food you're buying for me?

DEAN: Nah, I'll just watch you eat.

RORY: That's not creepy… [_Rory takes one bite_]

DEAN: Okay, you're done! Let's go to the car junk shop. [_pulls her by the hand_]

RORY: Okay! That doesn't sound dangerous at all!

DEAN: I'm annoying tall!

_We watched them break up…_

DEAN: I built this car for you.

RORY: Aw! This is _definitely _structurally sound, especially if it was made by a seventeen year old guy who's either working or kissing me!  
DEAN: I love you.

RORY: …

DEAN: I can't believe you're not answering even though I didn't even give you thirty seconds to collect your thoughts and realize that your first boyfriend—that you've been going out for only three months—told you that he loved you.

RORY: …

DEAN: I love you. I love how we only fight over trivial problems and how every time we have different opinions, I make excuses and ignore you until you apologize!

RORY: …

DEAN: Fine! We're over!

RORY: [_to Dean's retreating figure_] You're annoyingly tall!

_We watched them struggle without each other…_

RORY: I can't ever buy groceries again.

LANE: Fortunately for you, Taylor banned you after you stole his corn starch.

RORY: That was Dean's fault. He led me to believe I would get free _pop _and then proceeded to kiss me, causing the first real fight I've had with my abnormally close mother. But, I still miss him?

LANE: Why?

RORY: He's just so tall! And he makes me feel so safe… [a _goofy grin appears on Rory's face_]

LANE: Yeah, well so can a straight jacket.

---

LANE: Hi Science Partner!

DEAN: Your mother just sent me to hell.

LANE: She does that.

DEAN: Should we proceed to totally ignoring our science project and talking about Rory?

LANE: Uh…

DEAN: Does she miss me? Huh? Huh?

LANE: I thought there was an unspoken rule that we weren't going to talk about Rory.

DEAN: I didn't hear any rule…

LANE: That's what an unspoken rule mea—never mind.

_We watched them make up…_

DEAN: [_waiting in front of Chilton because he has nowhere else to be_] Oh my god! Rory's talking to another guy! I can't believe how often she totally disregards my feelings!

RORY: [_falls over herself to get to the Jolly Green Giant_] Dean!

DEAN: Why's he carrying your books?

RORY: Dean!

DEAN: I'm leaving overdramatically!

RORY: No Dean! That hot guy over there who's carrying my books and has a secret crush on me is just a friend! Actually, I hate him!

DEAN: Yeah, right. I don't trust me even though I expect you to trust me blindly and unconditionally!

RORY: Please Dean!

DEAN: I thought you were harassing my sister to try and talk to me. I guess I was wrong. [_turns to leave_]

RORY: I love you, you idiot!

DEAN: I'm not an idiot! [_proceeds to turn around and showcase the most public P.O. I have ever seen on Gilmore Girls_]

RORY: How does your neck never hurt?

_We watched the jealousy…_

DEAN: I hate Jess!

RORY: He's just my friend, Dean!

DEAN: I hate Jess!

RORY: There's nothing going on between us. We just have lots in common, great chemistry, and he's completely adorable!

DEAN: I hate Jess!

RORY: [_gazes dreamily into the distance_] He does these really cute magic tricks. All you can do is bag grocery items.

DEAN: I hate Jess!

RORY: I hate Jess, too!

_We watched them break up… again._

DEAN: I can't believe you're looking at Jess!

RORY: I can't help it if my eyes graze over him from time to time! You're spinning me around so much that I need something to focus on, and your face is too high up.

DEAN: I hate that the two of you are friends!

RORY: Well, you're friends with Lindsay! You know, once she bought me a Mark Twain head magnet. Yup.

DEAN: That's it! I'm going to cruelly and rashly dump you in front of a whole bunch of people and impressively storm out, leaving you along and sobbing in the middle of the dance floor.

_We watched them become friends _with benefits_…_

DEAN: Hi. I have two jobs because I love Lindsay.

RORY: What an ungrateful bi—

DEAN: Hey, I changed my mind. Our marriage isn't working out and I'm in love with you!

RORY: Really? Well, I'm lonely and depressed. Let's ruin one of the most important days of my mom's life by sleeping together.

DEAN: Okay! Let's do it on your old, childhood bed because sleeping with a married man isn't awkward enough.

RORY: Okay! By the way, why aren't you and Lindsay working out?

DEAN: Because I treat her like crap since I'm so hung up on you and I refuse to move on and find someone else.

RORY: Cool! I'll mistake that for love and use that excuse for the summer-long estrangement with my mother.

_We watched them get together for the THIRD time…_

RORY: So, what's going to happen between you and Lindsay?

DEAN: Lindsay? Who's Lindsay?

RORY: Your wife, remember…?

DEAN: Oh, right! Just wait here, okay? I'm going to go divorce my wife and then we can go do it in a car.

RORY: Okay!

DEAN: This relationship is totally awkward and stale but I still love you!

RORY: Yeah… I wonder when Amy Sherman-Palladino is gonna let me ditch you.

_We watched them break up AGAIN…_

RORY: Oops… I left my boyfriend waiting outside for half an hour. [_hurries out_]

DEAN: [_sees Rory with her friends_] This isn't going to work out.

RORY: [_exasperated look_] Big surprise.

DEAN: I don't fit in here. Look at those big city folk with their fancy suits. I don't even own a suit!  
RORY: We can get past that! I'll _buy _you a suit!

DEAN: No! You have too many friends and I'm the equivalence to an insecure fifteen year old boy! We can't see each other anymore and I'm going to twist and contort the reason until I've convinced everyone, including myself, that it was all your fault.

RORY: Well… bye!

LOGAN: [_appears out of nowhere_] You just got dumped?

RORY: Yup.

LOGAN: Well, let's get you drunk! Nothing solves problems better than alcohol!

RORY: Okay! Hey, how about later you change me into something I'm not and steal a yacht with me?

LOGAN: Sure, let me just say goodbye to some bridesmaids.

RORY: And I'll go to Philly and shamelessly use Jess!

LOGAN: Meet you in London!

_We watched the after affects… _

DEAN: Hi Luke.

LUKE: …Er, hi.

DEAN: I'm drunk.

LUKE: Evidently.

DEAN: I'm drunk and I'm in love with Rory.

LUKE: Thanks for sharing.

DEAN: I'm drunk, I'm in love with Rory, and I spend my evenings playing arcade games away from my wife.

LUKE: Aw, geez.

_A little while later outside the Twickam House/Museum…_

LUKE: What's up, man?

DEAN: Lorelai's _so _gonna ditch you.

LUKE: Excuse me?

DEAN: You're screwed, Luke! The Gilmore Girls are sent here by the Devil to play with our hearts and then dump us even though we did nothing wrong!

LUKE: Can I get you some water? Or some Demerol?

DEAN: We're exactly alike! Except for the fact that you're a successful diner owner who's about to get married and live happily ever after with the love of your life, and I'm a bitter, tall divorcee that can't do the simple action of letting go of a girlfriend that I was with when I was sixteen.

LUKE: [_at a loss for words_] …You're totally insane.

DEAN: [_gets frustrated with Luke's lack of caring_] I'm annoyingly tall!

---

LORELAI: Hey... what every happened to Dean Forrester?

RORY: Who cares?


	2. Author's Note

So, my opinion on the whole Rory-boyfriend thing is glaringly clear. Logan and Rory were okay but Dean and Rory were just stupid. I mean, I understand that she needed to have a safe, dependable first boyfriend that all her future boyfriends would be compared to, but they just kept bringing him back over and over again.

Anyway... if you feel like sending me hate mail, go ahead. I've never gotten any and I'm wondering what it feels like. Just keep the profanities to a minimum and send me a PM instead of announcing your hate for me/this story for the whole world through a review.

And, if you like it, please review! Constructive criticism is welcome. Insults? Not so much.

PS: This story was lots of fun to write. =)


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